Tuesday, December 10, 2013

look grandma! i blogged!

yesterday afternoon i received a text from my mother that went something like this:

"your grandma misses your blog."

in which i replied:

"i'm working on it." 

so grandma holthe, this blog is for you! jane is napping and although i should be taking advantage of this tiny window of sleep opportunity as well, i'll blog instead.

for you.

but it's true, i've wanted to blog for quite some time, it's just been hard to when the month of november was a complete write-off.

and it was. 

at the beginning of the november we moved into our new place! (i emphasize the exclamation mark because this really, really is a big deal.) we are paying close to $300 more than what we were paying at our old place, but i'm sorry----i have reached a point in my life where living behind a c-train station and watching 12 year old children buy crack from 40 year old men just isn't worth saving the 300 extra dollars a month anymore.

...it just isn't. 

anyway, a few days after we moved in ben had to go back to saskatchewan for work for a whole week. i didn't mind unpacking and organizing by myself at all, it's just that on the day ben left jane started acting up. she wouldn't eat or drink anything. she only wanted to be held (which was weird since she is NOT a cuddly baby at all!) and she kept waking up at night and crying which is so unlike her since she has pretty much slept through the night from day one. finally, after a few days of this she started making this wheezing noise at night and couldn't breathe.

then it hit me.

crap. girfran's got croup! 

now, i understand that babies get sick and this wasn't the first time jane had caught a virus, but...how do i put this...my baby is somewhat, ...unrelenting. you see, for the most part jane is very happy and content. she loves to socialize and laugh and smile and flirt with whoever will let her. but ever so often, we unintentionally do something that really sets her over the edge, and there is no way to console her. i noticed this interesting personality trait right after jane got her first set of shots at 2 months old. it had been days after she had been poked, and one night her dad took her so i could have a bath. well, jane realized that i wasn't holding her and screamed for 30 minutes straight until i came back...then screamed some more because she was mad that i had ever left her in the first place. she kept this up for about a week, and then went back to her happy, cheery self. but this little attitude has certainly stayed and evolved.

jane once cried for 3 hours straight while ben and i went out on a date and my mom was watching her.

(in my defence, i told my mom before we left that i should probably put jane to bed since she only likes me putting her to sleep at night.)

"oh i've put dozens of babies to bed, sara! i'll just give her a bottle and rock her to sleep!" my mom said with a mighty dose of confidence.

by the time we got home, lorri was at the front door with a distressed look on her face.

"take her," she said as she handed jane to me and promptly went to the kitchen to pour herself a proverbial cocktail.

end of story...i put jane to sleep before we ever go anywhere at night, and she's good for 12 straight hours.

anyway, i'm digressing...

jane had croup for a whole week straight which means i didn't sleep for a whole week straight. by the time ben got home, nothing had been unpacked and i smelled as fresh as the compost i forget to take out and dispose of all the time (oops). that weekend ben let me go to the mall and have a break, which was nice but by the time i came back from shopping i felt really tired and achey.

"must be from the lack of sleep," i thought.

nope. the week after jane was sick, i got sick...and stayed sick for the rest of november. if you have ever tried rearing a child while under the weather, you can understand where i'm coming from. some days i felt like there was a foot slowly pressing down on my chest as the hours went by, leaving me no room to breathe. it didn't help that jane was still on a food strike, and stopped napping too. i remember feeling completely hopeless, and once that crept in i started feeling other things too. like sorrow. and resentment. which eventually turned into anger. by the end of november i looked and felt about as appealing as gollum the wayward hobbit.

it's been awhile since i've found myself in a black hole like this, but when i do, i stress like i'm getting paid to. i don't know if you know this, but i'm somewhat of an anxious girl. some have even described it as borderline clinical (read: why channing tatum should thank me for his career) but in the month of november i stressed so much i lost 10 pounds...pounds that i certainly can't afford to lose.

(don't worry mom, the weekend we were home for logan's birthday i gained it all back. consider this my personal thanks to you. I LOVE YOUR FOOD!)

and i soon realized that i was beginning to be angry all the time. i started questioning my ability to take care of jane, if i was a good mom at all, and if i wanted any more children for that matter. i started channeling this anger towards ben, too. i understood he was working very hard and wanted to wind down when he got home, but did he HAVE to take off his socks and not put them in the laundry basket...every night?! and how can one man consume THAT many plates of nachos and brownies??!! has he ever heard of a vegetable????

to sums things up...i was a miserable human being. i knew i was unhappy but felt even MORE sorrowful because of the guilt that decided to show up as a result. i remember visiting with a mom before jane was even a thought, and asking her if she'd have any more children.

"i don't know...i feel like the more children i have, the worse of a mom i become!" 

i remember thinking that was such an odd remark, seeing as she was already the mother of four kids who were all well behaved and happy. she seemed to have it all together.

but now i was beginning to understand how she felt. if i'm this stressed out with one kid, i thought, how am i going to be with any more?! how do other moms do it?? i'm not cut out for this business!

and then one night as i was wasting time in bed browsing pinterest, i came across a quote:

and it was exactly what i needed to get out of my funk. that night i made a promise to myself that i was going to get up the next morning, and not complain once...that if i was thinking about complaining, to say one thing i was thankful for. and it worked! i still was feeling sick and i didn't have a lot of energy, but i soon realized that there were a lot of things i needed to be thankful for. 

i began noticing that the reason jane wasn't napping was because i had been turning on the TV all day due to me not wanting to deal with her, and it seemed to be too much stimulus for her little brain.

so i turned off the TV, and in return jane started napping again.

then i noticed that jane didn't want to eat the food i was giving her because she didn't want to eat it pureed and had simply outgrown it. 

so i prepared a meal for her, and in return made a healthy, filling meal for myself. and it ate it TOGETHER.

then i started being happier with my situation, and in return i became a much happier person to be around.

and i finally FINALLY got over my sickness, whatever it was: lethargy, exhaustion, flu, cold (all of the above??)

i realized that even though i was physically sick for awhile, there is always a choice in how you are going to react to your situation.

and there is always ALWAYS something to be thankful for. 

because in two short months (waaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!) i'll be going back to work, and i won't have every day spent with jane. and i'll have a whole new set of stress and anxiety to deal with...and i need to figure out how to find balance or i'll find myself in a rut again. and it'll affect my relationship with my family, which is the most important thing in my life right now. 

(but ben you could figure out how to put your dirty socks in the designated area, don't you think??) 


(dirty laundry and all.)


Breann Clawson said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
The Dudleys said...

Good post! Just what I needed!

jezebel said...

this made me tear up, WHAT THE HECK! Isn't it so weird the little funks we get ourselves in? I often find I have to stop and reset. loved this.

Lauren Bennett said...

Totally know what you mean by letting stress and anxiety turn you into a wayward hobbit gollum. Heck, I'm losing my hair! Good stuff, always something to be thankful for. Sick babies are tough but you've got it.